I have been having a hard time with a lot of things lately. Not really sure what to pinpoint it on. I have been so tired, and emotional. I am telling myself that it is because of Christmas next week, and I miss my parents. Being the only child and with no parents SUCKS! I have no one to call and talk to about the “good old days”. I have no one to call and just cry to. Yes, I have friends, but they didn’t live with my parents when I was younger or did holidays with us. I have sisters in law but they don’t really talk to me at all. I guess I didn’t know what to except when I got married and got three sisters in law, my husband’s two sisters and one of their wives. I assumed we would become sisters!?!?! Well, I guess I made an ass out of myself. Oh well!!!! When we are together, we are nice to each other, but we don’t go out of our way to text, call, or messaged each other. I normally am the one who texts them first. But again, shit happens. Being the only child, I take my friendships VERY seriously. I do not let a lot of people into my life, so if I take someone in, I hold them in my heart. I treat everyone the way I want to be treated.

My parents tried their hardest to give me a sibling, but I was a miracle baby. They were not supposed to have kids, because my mom had cancer in 1982. Then in 1985, I was born and was the sparkle in their eyes. Growing up my “cousins” were always saying that I was spoiled and got whatever I wanted. That was NOT the case, my parents never spoiled me. They always made me work for what I wanted. I started babysitting at the age of 10, and I have not stopped working since.  I use (“”) around cousins because they were just people that I shared my grandparents with. For the most part I do not talk to my cousins. I talk to maybe one of my cousin’s wives once a week. Yeah, I talk to his wife more than any of my cousins. I have no idea what I ever did to my cousins, but whatever. I know people get busy with kids, work, and life. HOWEVER, you always make time for people you love. I bet you anything if you were to ask any of my cousins to name their cousins, they would forget about me. I can also guarantee they would NOT know my children’s names. And you want to know something, I am just fucking fine with that! They are missing out on my children’s life, and my children do not need them!

When my dad passed away, it was just my mom and myself. We got even closer than we were before. We had to stick together to get through it. My dad left us with unanswered questions, a lot of whys, and a lot of hurt. The questions we had will never get answered. The whys I have will always be left unanswered. I did not have a sibling to talk to about any of this. Yes, I could have asked my mom but she had her own guilt, questions, worries, and heart that was completely broken. My mom and I talked about how feelings just to make sure we knew that we had each other. That was all I needed to hear.

When my mom passed away, it was just ME! Only ME! I had to make all the decisions. I had to make the final decision to take the oxygen off my mom. I had to make the final decision on the last rights. I had to make the final decision to close my mom’s hospital door after she took her last breath. Thankfully, when my mom got sick, her and very long discussions about what she wanted when the time would come. There were MANY nights spent lying in bed with my mom holding her puke bucket, rubbing her head, and talking about what she wanted to be buried in, what songs she wanted played at her funeral, and what she wanted her grandchildren to remember about her.  I never thought at the age of 30, I would have to worry about planning my mom’s, my best friends, funeral and worrying about making a phone call to the family saying she had passed, but I did. It was the cards I was dealt.

I have been dealt a lot of bad hands. There is a saying, I am not sure who said it, but it is “God only gives you what he knows you can handle!” Well, as much as I believe that saying, I do NOT know how much I can handle. I cry, I cry A LOT! I feel guilty all the time for not doing more for my mom. There was nothing I could do for my dad, otherwise I would have.

There have been many times where my “family” and I have not seen eye to eye. But I always gave in because of my mom. Now, that my mom is gone, I am not giving it. I am not the only one who has done wrong, still not sure what I did, but I am sure I did something. I have always been the black sheep of both sides, but especially my mom’s. Maybe it is because I have tattoos, maybe it is because I married a man that has tattoos, and piercings?!? Maybe it is because I have grown up and stood up for myself, and do not let them walk all over me?! I am not sure! Does it hurt me? Of course, they are the only thing I have left of my mom. Will I let it take me down? FUCK NO! I have three amazing kids, one awesome husband.

Well, I will stop for the night. (there is much more to come!) As always, please follow me so you can continue to read about me, my family, and love! Comment and like, please!

Just me, Jen😊