Just thoughts

I have been having a hard time with a lot of things lately. Not really sure what to pinpoint it on. I have been so tired, and emotional. I am telling myself that it is because of Christmas next week, and I miss my parents. Being the only child and with no parents SUCKS! I have no one to call and talk to about the “good old days”. I have no one to call and just cry to. Yes, I have friends, but they didn’t live with my parents when I was younger or did holidays with us. I have sisters in law but they don’t really talk to me at all. I guess I didn’t know what to except when I got married and got three sisters in law, my husband’s two sisters and one of their wives. I assumed we would become sisters!?!?! Well, I guess I made an ass out of myself. Oh well!!!! When we are together, we are nice to each other, but we don’t go out of our way to text, call, or messaged each other. I normally am the one who texts them first. But again, shit happens. Being the only child, I take my friendships VERY seriously. I do not let a lot of people into my life, so if I take someone in, I hold them in my heart. I treat everyone the way I want to be treated.

My parents tried their hardest to give me a sibling, but I was a miracle baby. They were not supposed to have kids, because my mom had cancer in 1982. Then in 1985, I was born and was the sparkle in their eyes. Growing up my “cousins” were always saying that I was spoiled and got whatever I wanted. That was NOT the case, my parents never spoiled me. They always made me work for what I wanted. I started babysitting at the age of 10, and I have not stopped working since. I use (“”) around cousins because they were just people that I shared my grandparents with. For the most part I do not talk to my cousins. I talk to maybe one of my cousin’s wives once a week. Yeah, I talk to his wife more than any of my cousins. I have no idea what I ever did to my cousins, but whatever. I know people get busy with kids, work, and life. HOWEVER, you always make time for people you love. I bet you anything if you were to ask any of my cousins to name their cousins, they would forget about me. I can also guarantee they would NOT know my children’s names. And you want to know something, I am just fucking fine with that! They are missing out on my children’s life, and my children do not need them!

When my dad passed away, it was just my mom and myself. We got even closer than we were before. We had to stick together to get through it. My dad left us with unanswered questions, a lot of whys, and a lot of hurt. The questions we had will never get answered. The whys I have will always be left unanswered. I did not have a sibling to talk to about any of this. Yes, I could have asked my mom but she had her own guilt, questions, worries, and heart that was completely broken. My mom and I talked about how feelings just to make sure we knew that we had each other. That was all I needed to hear.

When my mom passed away, it was just ME! Only ME! I had to make all the decisions. I had to make the final decision to take the oxygen off my mom. I had to make the final decision on the last rights. I had to make the final decision to close my mom’s hospital door after she took her last breath. Thankfully, when my mom got sick, her and very long discussions about what she wanted when the time would come. There were MANY nights spent lying in bed with my mom holding her puke bucket, rubbing her head, and talking about what she wanted to be buried in, what songs she wanted played at her funeral, and what she wanted her grandchildren to remember about her. I never thought at the age of 30, I would have to worry about planning my mom’s, my best friends, funeral and worrying about making a phone call to the family saying she had passed, but I did. It was the cards I was dealt.

I have been dealt a lot of bad hands. There is a saying, I am not sure who said it, but it is “God only gives you what he knows you can handle!” Well, as much as I believe that saying, I do NOT know how much I can handle. I cry, I cry A LOT! I feel guilty all the time for not doing more for my mom. There was nothing I could do for my dad, otherwise I would have.

There have been many times where my “family” and I have not seen eye to eye. But I always gave in because of my mom. Now, that my mom is gone, I am not giving it. I am not the only one who has done wrong, still not sure what I did, but I am sure I did something. I have always been the black sheep of both sides, but especially my mom’s. Maybe it is because I have tattoos, maybe it is because I married a man that has tattoos, and piercings?!? Maybe it is because I have grown up and stood up for myself, and do not let them walk all over me?! I am not sure! Does it hurt me? Of course, they are the only thing I have left of my mom. Will I let it take me down? FUCK NO! I have three amazing kids, one awesome husband.

Well, I will stop for the night. (there is much more to come!) As always, please follow me so you can continue to read about me, my family, and love! Comment and like, please!

Just me, Jen😊

Christmas Traditions

When I was younger, my family (extended) had lots of Christmas traditions… Just to name a few are….

Everyone (Mom’s side) came to our house (Mom, Dad, and I), on Christmas Eve and we open gifts and ate, A LOT. We always had a ton of food, lasagna, garlic bread, salads, and a million deserts. My dad would always hand out gifts, and my mom would always take a butt load of pictures. Then after we would eat, us kids would play with our toys. I have two cousins on my moms side. They would always make fun of my toys and call me a baby, because I am the youngest of us three. I remember one year, I got my very first corded phone for my bedroom. It was purple and green with HUGE buttons on it. Also, with the phone, I got my own phone book. I was so happy, I screamed! LOL.. That was the last year my grandpa would spend Christmas with us. I also got a big radio that year, I wrote Santa every month that year for that radio. The adults and my cousins would all play cards until 2 AM sometimes.
Christmas Day would we all (the same people) get together at my grandma’s house and have Christmas lunch. Cards would be played again, and lots of memories made. I would help my grandma play cards because I was too young to play by myself. My grandma would make the best pies in the world, and two or three different meats depending on what everyone wanted. I would bring some of my new toys and play with them as the others were busy. Christmas was very relaxed and fun in my family. The main day was Christmas Eve.
My mom, dad, and I would always decorate the outside of our house before Halloween because it was not so cold. We would not turn the lights on until after December 1, but they were up. My dad always said, ” I am not hanging up lights if I cannot feel my fingers!” We had this shepherds hook attached to our deck that my dad would make into a candy cane every year. Some years it was red, and white, other years it was all different colors. Growing up my dad planted 50 trees in our backyard, small ones, but we would put lights on them as well. Our front yard was not very big, but on our steps, we would put lights up. When icicle lights first came out, we hung them from our house, but when I got older, my dad stopped doing that.
Inside the house we would hang up garland all around the beam we had. Mom would go ALL out inside. Tree would go up two weekends before Christmas. We would put the ornaments that I made all the years from daycare to the last year at school. My mom was very proud of them.. lol.. Not exactly sure why, but she was. lol.. Every year the three of us would make a bet to see what decoration we would forget to take down. I always won, but I think my parents did that on purpose. lol.
Christmas was my mom’s very holiday, because it meant family. It meant love was everywhere. When my dad passed, Christmas changed for her, and myself. It became more about family, and love. When my mom passed, I have no drive for Christmas anymore. If it wasn’t for my kids, I would not celebrate it at all. It’s not that I still don’t like/love the holiday, I do, I just can’t let myself enjoy it. I know it’s stupid. It is something that I am working on.

When I had my son, I told myself I wanted to start traditions with him, and we did. We went to see Santa together and we wrapped my mom and dad gifts together. However, when I got married, my husband thinks traditions are dumb and stupid. He always says “Why?” It has been REALLY hard to start any new traditions since my mom passed because of my husband. Now, I know I should not let him stop me, but don’t you want to have memories, tradition with the man you love? The only reason he goes his mom’s for Christmas is for the food. He really doesn’t care about anything else. That is hard for me to wrap my mind around. With that said….. Since my mom has passed, I have not talked to my cousins on my mom’s side. I have not talked or seen that part of my family since my mom’s funeral. (that is a whole other blog)!!!!!

I have made a list of what I want to start as far as traditions go with kids starting this year!!!!

Decorate like we used to when I was a kid
Decorate outside
Bake Christmas cookies
Make snow angels
Make Christmas card for the kids in the hospital
Send Christmas notes to my mom and dad in heaven
Make my mom’s favorite holiday cider
Make at least two of my mom’s deserts

Now, I know everyone has different traditions, but what are some you wish you and your kids would do? What are some of your favorites?

As always please follow me so you can continue to learn about my life, love, and my family.

Just me, Jen:)

Reality!! Part one

Have you ever had something hit you at the oddest time ever? Like a memory that makes you burst out laughing or crying? Have you just sat someplace and screamed because your heart just hurts? What about just held onto someone longer during a hug because you were afraid you would never see them again?

Life is so funny at times in so many ways. One of these times that life/reality hit me really hard was on Sunday. My family and I were on the way home from my in-laws, and my husband said something about the kids seeing his mom more lately. I lost it! I started crying, and couldn’t hold it in anymore. My kids are young, and when my mom passed away, my youngest was not born yet (two weeks after my mom passed, she was born). So, my youngest never got to meet my mom. When I told her, I was pregnant her first words were… “Are you shitting me?” Followed by… “I am going to live long enough to hold my grandbaby!” Through my whole pregnancy, that was her goal, was to live long enough to hold my youngest. She didn’t make it, God decided he needed her more than I did two weeks early. At the time, and still I have a REALLY time with that. My mom fought HARD, she never gave up! Anyway, back on track, sorry…. When I lost it on Sunday, it was because my youngest, hell my middle child will not remember my mom. My son was seven when she passed, we talk about her all the time. My middle child always says goodnight to “Grandmilk” (No idea why she calls my mom “Grandmilk”, but she does.. lol… However, I am not sure how much she really remembers.

Another time that reality hits me is during the Holidays. I think this is when it gets hard for most people. My family was ALWAYS huge into the holidays, spending it together and making memories. Since my grandma was passed, we have become very relaxed with spending holidays together. For that matter talking to each other. Now, holidays are only spent with my in-laws. I am very thankful that my kids have my husbands’ side. We do not see his sisters very often, because well life. lol…. Holidays make me cry a lot because of the memories I have of my parents. Example is right now; a song is playing as I am typing this and it reminds me of the first time I heard it. I was in my room, at 6:30 P.M., I was 13 years old, and I was OBSESSED with *NSync. The word obsessed doesn’t even begin to explain how much I loved and STILL love these guys.(another post) Anywho!!!! *NSync’s Christmas album just released and I HAD to listen to it. So, about the 5th time I listened to the album that night, my mom came in and asked if I was going to go to bed, and I told her that she just had to listen to this one song. She had worked all day, and at that time was going to school to get her masters. She was tired and wanted to go to bed too, but she came in and laid down on my bed with me and we listened to the song and fell asleep together. She knew how much *NSync meant to me, she wanted to show me that because it meant something to me it meant something to her too. So ever time that song comes on, or I think of that song, I cannot help but cry.

My husband is not an emotional person at all, which makes it hard for him to understand any of my emotional times. However, he does a great job at just holding me tight and letting me just get it out. He also doesn’t understand why I hug my family and close friends goodbye. I NEVER know when the last time I will hug someone is going to be. My husband’s side doesn’t hug or say “I love you” when they leave. I know every family is different, but that is just odd to me. What if the last time I saw someone I loved was the last time I would every hug them or tell them that I loved them? I would HATE to live with that thought knowing if I just hugged them for a second longer or said “I love you” one more time. I will never say I am sorry for saying “I love you” a lot or giving hugs. That is how I express how important that person is to me.

Once again, please follow me so you can continue to read about my life, love, family, and me!

Just me Jen:)

Sick Kids

Hello Everyone,

I planned on writing last night again, but my poor youngest daughter had a horrible night. As mentioned she is one, so she still sleeps in our room. (Side note… When did you all transition your children into their own rooms?) Anyway, yesterday during the day I laid her down for her nap and when she woke up she had a fever and was holding her head in a way that I knew right away she had an ear infection. I am a PRO at detecting ear infections, my middle child has had over 30 of them. (More on that later!) My husband still had time before he had to go to work, he volunteered to take her to Urgent Care for him because I had a full daycare. And, sure enough she had an ear infection. He grabbed her antibiotics, and brought her home and made it to work on time, with 5 mins to spare. HAHA! Bedtime came around, she got her medicine, and Tylenol, and away she went to bed. She slept great for three hours, but then woke up screaming. I went to check on her and her fever was back and not a pretty one at that. 102.3! Gave her some Motrin, and we cuddled! I took her temp every 30 mins until my husband got home at 1:15 AM. She wanted nothing to do with him, just me! Normally when she is sick, that is how it is. Which I love the extra cuddles, but I HATE when my kids are sick. Makes my heart break.. 😦 I just want to take it away from them… Oh my! I am off the track here.. Sorry!! lol.. We read books, and worked on numbers and colors until about 3 AM when she fell asleep in my arms, she has not done that with since was like eight months old. My husband and I pulled our mattress out into the living and slept in the living room with our daughter on the floor next to us, it is much cooler in our living room than our bedroom. My daughter woke up every 30 mins like clock work, until my alarm went off at 5. I don’t know about you all but when my kids are sick, I do NOT sleep… I am worried and scared about something happening.

As mentioned above, my middle daughter has had over 30 ear infections and were giving her seizures…. For parents who have to see their children have seizures on a regular basis, my heart goes out to you. I do not think I could ever “get used to it”! So scary!!!! I hope one day, those imagines I have go away, but I doubt it. The clinic up north where we were living would not put tubes in her ears because her hearing was “ok”! I was livid! I was 7 months pregnant at that time with my youngest, hormones and per bitchiness took over and it was not a good scene. When we moved down here and she had her first seizure because of her ear infections they wasted absolutely no time to put tubes in her ears. November 1, my daughter had tubes put in her ears and it has been the BEST decision ever! She just got over a cold, and for the first time in, I believe EVER, it did not turn into an ear infection. I was so happy, I cried. (I cry a lot… lol.. I am a very emotional person! And especially when it comes to my kids!)

Now, I am wondering if I should call ENT to see if my youngest daughter needs because she had a number of them, but they have not given her seizures. (What do you all think?)

My son has had MAYBE two ear infections ever. This is all new to me. I read some place that said if you had a lot of ultrasounds while pregnant they can lead to ear problems when the babies are born…. Has anyone ever heard that? I am starting to semi believe that, only because when I was pregnant with my son I had 5 ultrasounds. With my daughter I had one EVERY week starting at 18 weeks, because I could not feel them move at all. They have no idea why I could not feel them, because they were moving all around and perfect, but no matter what I did, I could not feel them.

Now, I know ear infections are not that serious, could be so much worse. I know this! I thank God every day for my three healthy kids (now). When my middle daughter was born, she was in NICU for nine days because of her lungs, she was born at 37 weeks and had some difficulties breathing. However, after those nine days, she was able to come out of NICU and go home after only one more night in the hospital. I had to leave the hospital without my baby that time. Again, for the parents who have to do that knowing they will not be able to go back the next day and pick up their baby, my heart goes out to you. You are all SO strong, and you have my prayers.

The past two nights I think I have gotten a total of 3 hours of sleep, I am dragging ass. I think today I have drank 4 pots of coffee! I have no idea how my eyes are still open, they are slowly closing as I finish typing this. hahah!!

With that said, I want to thank you all for reading my post. Please follow me so you can continue to read about my life, family, love, and whatever else comes to my mind.

Just me, Jen:)

Welcome to my life! Day 1

Hello Everyone!!

My name is Jen! I am a mom of three amazing children. My son is 9 and in the 4th grade. My middle daughter is 3 and she is a mini version of myself to a T. My youngest daughter is 1 and a mini version of her dad to a T! I grew up in central Wisconsin, in a small town. Everyone knew your business before you did. At times it was horrible, but for the most part, it was awesome. I am the only child. My mom’s side is pretty small, but they no longer talk to me. My dad’s side is an ok side, but they hardly talk to me either. I am sort of the “black sheep” of both sides of my family. Both my parents have passed, and that sucks. My dad passed in 2012 and my mom passed in 2017. Family is EVERYTHING to me, and at times that can kick me in the ass! I am just an average Wisconsin girl.

I have been married almost three years to a wonderful man. We met five years ago online and our relationship has been on the fast track since. We were dating only two weeks before we moved in together. Nine months later, I found out I was pregnant with our middle daughter. Right before I found out I was pregnant we moved closer to my mom. Got married when she was 10 months old. I will explain in more detail in later posts, just want to give an overview of myself. When she was 15 months old, I found out I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. When I was 36 weeks pregnant my mom passed away. I had my daughter at 38 weeks and two weeks later we moved back down to the Madison area. My family and I have now lived here for just over a year.

My husband is a tattoo artist in Madison, which I love because tattoos are just awesome! I have 26 and have a lot more planned. (When I met my husband, I had 8. hahah) I have an in-home daycare, which is never boring. I love families very much! Growing up it was my dream to have a daycare. Now that I do, my new dream is to one day open an daycare center. I am in the process of doing this, which is super exciting. My amazing husband is so supportive in this decision.

I have been throwing around the idea of beginning blogging for a number of years, for a number of reasons. The main reason is because I find writing very relaxing, expressing my feelings, my thoughts, and my heart with someone. I know for a fact, that I am not the only one feeling the way I do, or having the same thoughts. Having someone relate to what I am going through, who can give me some advice, is awesome. I hope that this journey, I am starting, can help at least one person. So if you have any comments, questions, or whatever please comment or send me an email. I hope you all have a wonderful night, and I will be back very soon.

Just me, Jen:)