Have you ever had something hit you at the oddest time ever? Like a memory that makes you burst out laughing or crying? Have you just sat someplace and screamed because your heart just hurts? What about just held onto someone longer during a hug because you were afraid you would never see them again?
Life is so funny at times in so many ways. One of these times that life/reality hit me really hard was on Sunday. My family and I were on the way home from my in-laws, and my husband said something about the kids seeing his mom more lately. I lost it! I started crying, and couldn’t hold it in anymore. My kids are young, and when my mom passed away, my youngest was not born yet (two weeks after my mom passed, she was born). So, my youngest never got to meet my mom. When I told her, I was pregnant her first words were… “Are you shitting me?” Followed by… “I am going to live long enough to hold my grandbaby!” Through my whole pregnancy, that was her goal, was to live long enough to hold my youngest. She didn’t make it, God decided he needed her more than I did two weeks early. At the time, and still I have a REALLY time with that. My mom fought HARD, she never gave up! Anyway, back on track, sorry…. When I lost it on Sunday, it was because my youngest, hell my middle child will not remember my mom. My son was seven when she passed, we talk about her all the time. My middle child always says goodnight to “Grandmilk” (No idea why she calls my mom “Grandmilk”, but she does.. lol… However, I am not sure how much she really remembers.
Another time that reality hits me is during the Holidays. I think this is when it gets hard for most people. My family was ALWAYS huge into the holidays, spending it together and making memories. Since my grandma was passed, we have become very relaxed with spending holidays together. For that matter talking to each other. Now, holidays are only spent with my in-laws. I am very thankful that my kids have my husbands’ side. We do not see his sisters very often, because well life. lol…. Holidays make me cry a lot because of the memories I have of my parents. Example is right now; a song is playing as I am typing this and it reminds me of the first time I heard it. I was in my room, at 6:30 P.M., I was 13 years old, and I was OBSESSED with *NSync. The word obsessed doesn’t even begin to explain how much I loved and STILL love these guys.(another post) Anywho!!!! *NSync’s Christmas album just released and I HAD to listen to it. So, about the 5th time I listened to the album that night, my mom came in and asked if I was going to go to bed, and I told her that she just had to listen to this one song. She had worked all day, and at that time was going to school to get her masters. She was tired and wanted to go to bed too, but she came in and laid down on my bed with me and we listened to the song and fell asleep together. She knew how much *NSync meant to me, she wanted to show me that because it meant something to me it meant something to her too. So ever time that song comes on, or I think of that song, I cannot help but cry.
My husband is not an emotional person at all, which makes it hard for him to understand any of my emotional times. However, he does a great job at just holding me tight and letting me just get it out. He also doesn’t understand why I hug my family and close friends goodbye. I NEVER know when the last time I will hug someone is going to be. My husband’s side doesn’t hug or say “I love you” when they leave. I know every family is different, but that is just odd to me. What if the last time I saw someone I loved was the last time I would every hug them or tell them that I loved them? I would HATE to live with that thought knowing if I just hugged them for a second longer or said “I love you” one more time. I will never say I am sorry for saying “I love you” a lot or giving hugs. That is how I express how important that person is to me.
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Just me Jen:)
Just an Average Girl 